Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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