i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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