I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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