Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need a beard to bite.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
