Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
is that a dick in a sweater?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My life is pants optional.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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