Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
