If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Sorry about my life...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
