sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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