Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
