For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
