dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
