They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
