so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
