its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize