I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
