I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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