I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
