how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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