I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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