There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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