just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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