After last night, I could never be a politician.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
