Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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