I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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