I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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