Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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