my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
