About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
