kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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