He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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