I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
