life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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