seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
