I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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