Already got asked if we're dating
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize