if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
