Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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