In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
