I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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