Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
