even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
