Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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