it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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