I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
