tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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