i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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