a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
