I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
