You smell like a Billy Joel song
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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