I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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