WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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