I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
