Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize