I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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