you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
