i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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