The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize