and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
