Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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