Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
