She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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