you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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