watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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