everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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