Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
