I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
