He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sext me about skeletons
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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