this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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