my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
