The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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