so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
