You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
God gave him joint rollers for hands
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
