Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
