tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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