i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Randomize
