You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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